Big Love with Velvet Ears

Dad adoringly called him "Chesta tha Molesta!" And he will molest you - that is, once you pet his head he will inch closer and closer, nudge your hand and put his head in your lap, staring you in the eyes, begging you to keep rubbing. Doooooonnn't stttoooop, he seems to say.

We lost him more than once. He is notorious for jumping out of the truck and disappearing. Sad to say, a few times Dad got to where he was going, got out the truck and walked around to let Chester out, but the dog was gone. After retracing his route, and stopping in every gas station along the way to see if anyone had spotted a happy yellow lab, he always found him. You would think Dad would not take him on any more truck rides but ohhhh no. Chester wouldn't have it that way, and Dad wanted to do about anything to keep Chester happy. Dad had a saying "When the tailgate drops, the bull$#!t stops." If Dad even went near his truck while Chester was in the yard, the dog was immediately by his side, ready to bound into the back. And anytime Dad dropped the tailgate, Chester would fly up into the bed of the truck. Every time Dad accidentally left the tailgate down, Chester would stay right in that truckbed - even overnight. He just didn't want to get left.

One time I was visiting Mom at her office for lunch and she got a call from Dad. She sounded aggravated, and when she hung up her face went mushy like she was going to cry. "Dad lost Chester," she said. "The best dog we've ever had." I got up and drove to Mom and Dad's as quickly as I could, printed some fliers and my sister and I posted them all across the three towns Dad had passed through until he realized Chester was missing. Dad, Ashley and I split up and hollered for Chester all around the county. We spent all day in the 100 degree weather looking for him. We were all thinking in the back of our minds it was just too hot for the poor feller, but we never gave up hope. We kept getting leads. Somebody had spotted him at a gas station, another behind the tire store. People kept remembering the wagging tail and neon green collar. Finally, right at dark, my cell phone rang. Dad was on the line saying "I got him! I got him!" Back at the rendezvous point (hehe), I found Dad at his truck all smiles and laughter with a relieved but thirsty Chester. He had wandered up onto the porch of an elderly man, who had walked outside and enjoyed Chester's company by his rocking chair all afternoon. A trip to town and the man got wind of a family out looking for a big yellow lab. The man tracked down Dad's phone number and soon Chester was home.

That night, Chester stretched out on the floor while the four of us - Mom, Dad, Ashley and I stretched out with him and took turns rubbing his belly.

Chester lives with me now and brings me a lot of comfort. He is a (large) piece of Mom and Dad I have still living. I still love to lie down and rub his belly in the quiet evenings, to feel those velvet soft ears when he nudges me for a head rub.

Living through Lyrics

Sometimes a single line from a song can take us back to an exact time in our life and allow us to relive it over and over without forgetting a detail. While these songs take me to a tough time, they are somehow soothing to listen to. I'm relieved they allow me to remember those details of the roughest times because reliving those moments also keeps the memory of those we lost alive.

Chris Tomlin's "I Will Rise"  We played this at Mom's funeral as the lyrics reflect scripture in Isaiah explaining the freedom, wholeness, and peace we'll experience in Heaven. As her illness spread and her earthly body deteriorated, she anticipated Heaven like a child waiting for Christmas.

There's a peace I've come to know 
Though my heart and flesh may fail 
There's an anchor for my soul 
I can say "It is well" 

Jesus has overcome 
And the grave is overwhelmed 
The victory is won 
He is risen from the dead 

[Chorus:] 
And I will rise when He calls my name 
No more sorrow, no more pain 
I will rise on eagles' wings 
Before my God fall on my knees 
And rise 
I will rise 

There's a day that's drawing near 
When this darkness breaks to light 
And the shadows disappear 
And my faith shall be my eyes 

Jesus has overcome 
And the grave is overwhelmed 
The victory is won 
He is risen from the dead 

[Chorus:] 
And I will rise when He calls my name 
No more sorrow, no more pain 
I will rise on eagles' wings 
Before my God fall on my knees 
And rise 
I will rise 

And I hear the voice of many angels sing, 
"Worthy is the Lamb" 
And I hear the cry of every longing heart, 
"Worthy is the Lamb" 
[x2]

[Chorus:] 
And I will rise when He calls my name 
No more sorrow, no more pain 
I will rise on eagles' wings 
Before my God fall on my knees 
And rise 
I will rise

Luke Bryan's "Drink a Beer"  This particular verse hits home hard (like I drove through a brick wall the first time I heard it. I almost pulled over for crying so hard.) and takes me right back to the day my mother died in hospice. I drove myself back to my parent's house alone, a zombie in the car. I was numb, tired, heavy, and completely lost. I'd been taking care of her all day and night for months and she'd been my closest comrade my whole life. When I got back to the house, I didn't know what to do. Her box of Nilla Wafers still sat in the cabinet, and I felt we shouldn't eat them. Her tissues were in the trash, and I hesitated to dump them out. Her lip prints were on the glass of Mountain Dew by her chair and I didn't want to wash it. The oxygen tanks and adaptive equipment glared at me and turned my stomach. I didn't want to change anything, for these remnants of her would be gone forever, but I didn't want to be still either. I felt a strong urge to stay busy, keep moving, but I  felt too exhausted.  I wanted to sleep so badly, but couldn't settle long enough to close my eyes. The silence of the house echoed in my head. My amazing husband (then fiance) sensed my state of unnerve and immediately kicked into gear. He lured me onto my parent's dock and forced me to climb onto a jet ski. He took me for a ride across the lake that was smooth like glass that evening. The sky was remarkable - orange and blue. It was the most spectacular day in June and as I absorbed nature I began to feel again. There was a literal tingle in my arms and a physical ache in my chest. Mom would have been out on that dock with a glass of sweet muscadine wine marveling at the breathtaking sky. I couldn't shake the feelings of doom and fear. Wouldn't life be too long without having my mom here to enjoy it with me? How would I ever smile again without wishing I could see her smile too? Would every happy occasion be shadowed by the grief of not sharing it with Mom? These lyrics of Luke Bryan's song take me back to that beautiful, excruciating evening on the water. I wrapped my arms around my fiance and squeezed him so tight as he gassed the jet ski and we flew across the lake. Tears poured from my eyes so thick and heavy I wondered how I could still have any left. We rode faster and faster on the jet ski and the tears flew off my face into the lake behind me. The speed, the weightlessness over the water, that orange sky and my tense arms so tight around the man I loved, it all allowed me to feel something when I'd been so numb. I wondered if I would ever again be truly happy. When I thought of Mom my chest locked up and I sobbed at the relief of her not being in pain, but the loss of her not being here with us. The rush of mixed emotion and trying to absorb it all - these lyrics take me back there.

Funny how the good ones go
Too soon, but the good Lord knows
The reasons why, I guess

Sometimes the greater plan
Is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don't make sense
I can't make it all make sense

So I'm gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

So long my friend
Until we meet again
I'll remember you
And all the times that we used to...

... sit right here on the edge of this pier
And watch the sunset disappear

And drink a beer 

Dani and Lizzy's "Dancing in the Sky" - Listen to it Here. Her voice is so beautiful, and her lyrics are too. Perfect description of the hopes I have for my parents in Heaven.

"Dancing in the Sky" lyrics

What does it look like in Heaven
Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say
Does the sun shine bright forever
Have your fears and your pain gone away

Here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you left
Here on earth everything's different, there's an emptiness

Oh, I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the angels' choir
I hope the angels know what they have
I'll bet it's so nice up in Heaven since you arrived

Now tell me, what do you do up in heaven
Are your days filled with love and light
Is there music? Is there art and invention
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive

'Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you left
And here on earth everything's different, there's an emptiness

Oh, I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope you're singing in the angels' choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I'll bet it's so nice up in Heaven since you arrived, since you arrived

Consider the Ravens

Look at the ravens. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! - Luke 12:24

Cardinal in my icey backyard

Enough said.